Funny Quotes
Find one of the best and famous quote catagorized into topics like inspirational, motivations, deep, thoughtful, art, success, passion, frindship, life, love and many more.
“A girl phoned me the other day and said…’Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.” –
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
“My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.” –
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.” –
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” –
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
“My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” –
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
“At 20 a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.”
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” –
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.” –
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.”
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” –
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” –
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” –
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
“With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
“I was so poor growing up – if I wasn’t a boy – I’d have had nothing to play with.”
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Quote by -Steven Wright
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
Quote by -Steven Wright
If you write the word “monkey” a million times, do you start to think you’re Shakespeare?
Quote by -Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs.
Quote by -Steven Wright
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
Quote by -Freddie Mercury
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.
Quote by -Steven Wright