I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.