Enthusiats are used to being mocked, maligned and misunderstood. We don't really mind.

Sex without smiling is as sickly and as base as vodka and tonic without ice.

Compromise is a stalling between two fools.

Seriousness is no more a guarantee of truth, insight, authenticity or probity, than humour is a guarantee of superficiality and stupidity.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will always hurt me.

Better sexy and racy Than sexist and racist

Wine can be a better teacher than ink, and banter is often better than books

I'm fat because I'm greedy, and if my mind is fat it's because I'm curious.

Old professors never die, they just lose their faculties.

A real education takes place, not in the lecture hall or library, but in the rooms of friends, with earnest frolic and happy disputation.

It is the useless things that make life worth living and that make life dangerous too: wine, love, art, beauty. Without them life is safe, but not worth bothering with.

Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.

It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue.

I like to wake up each morning and not know what I think, that I may reinvent myself in some way.

Education is the sum of what students teach each other between lectures and seminars.

How can one not be fond of something that the Daily Mail despises?

People who can change and change again are so much more reliable and happier than those who can’t

Sometimes there just isn't enough vomit in the world.

Self-consciousness, that's what it is. Always my abiding vice. I keep seeing myself. Me watching myself watching others watch me. How do you lose that? What's the trick?

The sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign of a lack of education or a lack of verbal interest is just a fucking lunatic.

Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.

You are who you are when nobody's watching.

An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and you will be happy.

The short answer to that is 'no.' The long answer is 'fuck no.

The only reason people do not know much is because they do not care to know. They are incurious. Incuriousity is the oddest and most foolish failing there is.

My first words, as I was being born [...] I looked up at my mother and said, 'that's the last time I'm going up one of those.

I am a lover of truth, a worshiper of freedom, a celebrant at the altar of language and purity and tolerance.

No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time.

Hell, I am young. I am free. My teeth are clean. The sun shines. To hell with everything else

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

You can't get a suit of armour and a rubber chicken just like that. You have to plan ahead.

One of the most important days of my life was when I learned to ride a bicycle.