It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

Just as it is the love of money that is the root of all evil, it is the belief in shamefulness that is the root of all misery.

We keep our insignificant blemishes so that we can blame them for our larger defects.

I think it was Harry Walpole who remarked, "In this life one should try everything once except incest and country dancing.

[his healing skills] ..lay in the ability to comfort, to comfort in the proper sense, to make strong, to fortify

Feelings are not something to which one does or does not have rights.

I was happy there. Which is to say I was not unhappy there. Unhappiness and happiness I have always been able to carry about with me, irrespective of place and people, because I have never joined in.

Late, Fry?’ ‘Really, sir? So am I.’ ‘Don’t try to be clever, boy.’ ‘Very good, sir. How stupid would you like me to be? Very stupid or only slightly stupid?

I also knew that he was the kind of anile little runt who, in foyers and theatre bars the West End over, can be heard bleating into their gin and tonics, "I go to the theatre to be entertained.

You have already achieved the English-Language poet's most important goal: you can read, Write and speak English well enough to understand this sentence.

Either a municipal bog is a private place or it isn't. If it is a private place in which to shit, how is it not a private place in which to fellate?

It was a Tuesday in February. Many my life's most awful moments have taken place on Tuesdays. And what is February if not the Tuesday of the year?

My real dissatisfaction is with my dissatisfaction. How dare I be so discontent? How dare I? Or being discontent why cannot I shut up about it?

Anger fed him and clothed him and he owed it much.

Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers.

Madam, I have been looking for a person who disliked gravy all my life; let us swear eternal friendship’.

All gone. All anger quelled, all desire drained, all thirst slaked, all madness past.

There can't be that many individual souls. Not souls like mine. There isn't room. There can't be.