Funny Quotes
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They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."
Quote by -Jim Gaffigan
Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "
Quote by -Jim Gaffigan
This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife... there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."
Quote by -Jim Gaffigan
New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."
Quote by -Jim Gaffigan
Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."
Quote by -Jim Gaffigan
I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."
Quote by -Jim Gaffigan
I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.
Quote by -Jim Gaffigan
You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
Quote by -Jim Gaffigan
I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.
Quote by -Jim Gaffigan
You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."
Quote by -Jim Gaffigan
I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.
Quote by -Jim Gaffigan
When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
Quote by -Jim Gaffigan
I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel room is write a letter. "My dearest Gwendolyn, I arrived by nightfall at the Embassy Suites. It will be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive. Allow me to explain the curious charge at the ledger. It is because I miss thee so much, darling, I accidentally ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."
Quote by -Jim Gaffigan
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."
Quote by -Jim Gaffigan
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
Quote by -Dane Cook
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
Quote by -Dane Cook
I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
I don't see much comedy in the Bible, where people are writing about funny people. It's not there.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by 'survival of the fittest.'
Quote by -Bill Cosby
A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
George Booth and I are both funny, and from afar, without meeting, admired each other's work.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
If you watch kids looking at something on television, even something that's produced for them and is supposed to be funny, what you'll notice is that they don't laugh.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
I never saw anything funny in a car commercial - but that's OK. Whatever they wanted to do - it's their product and I'm the spokesperson, and I'm going to deliver.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
Sigmund Freud once said, What do women want? The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.
Quote by -Bill Cosby
I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
Quote by -Bill Cosby
I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
Quote by -Bill Cosby