Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Smoking cures weight problems…eventually.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.”

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”