"Sexism is everywhere, bro. I don't know if it's ever not somewhere."

"If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than "No," you tweeted your penis."

"He sold Syria way better than he sold this."

"Fake it. We know you can do that. We’ve seen your sex tape."

"New Rule: Any tattoo that has more than one line is too long."

"Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American."

"Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that."

"Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime."

"Every day in America is a day with a shooting."

"To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity."

"New Rule: You don't have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It's water, not a genie."

"My bank must stop trying to sell me identity theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you're a bank."

"We're a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it's misdirected."

"My personal savior is common sense. And as far as God goes, I prefer to believe in one that would want me to use the excellent brain he gave us all."

"Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that's what he is!"

"We're all gonna be gay if we get health care!"

"You don't need a weapon to protect yourself."

"This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo."

"You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president."

"I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it."

"Not doing anything is doing something and choosing to look away is a passive but no less mortal sin."

"If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time"."

"If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child."

"Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he's a secret Republican."