Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

“If we were all suddenly somebody else.”

My rule of thumb is that I want to do things I'd like to go and see myself.

I don't want to do something that I've done before; I can't see the point of it.

Everyone deserves compassion.

'Hamlet' is one of the most dangerous things ever set down on paper. All the big, unknowable questions like what it is to be a human being; the difference between sanity and insanity; the meaning of life and death; what's real and not real. All these subjects can literally drive you mad.

I've got four houses in my street. I live in two, and the others are empty. I'll buy more as they come up, because I think it would be great to have the entire street.

I wasn't aware I was trading on my good name; I've never had a good name.

I don't think of myself as funny. I think of myself as rather grave, actually. And I'm suspicious of fun. I never quite know what that is or how to deal with it or how to generate it. That's my fault. I know it's a burden on the people I'm with. It's tiresome.

I'm pretty certain that if there is a will there is a way.

It's interesting to see how people bring different things to them. I think it comes down to the universal appeal of the Holmes-Watson that they can keep being discovered in different ways.

Look, how many stories have I broken? Hundreds. How many have proved to be untrue? There isn't one.