I am the King. I tell. I am not told. I am the verb, sir. I am not the object. (King George III)

I know what’s required. It’s perfectly simple: Justice.

Never at my best when at my best behaviour.

One seldom was able to do her a good turn without some thoughts of strangulation.

A bookshelf is as particular to its owner as are his or her clothes; a personality is stamped on a library just as a shoe is shaped by the foot.

She‘d never taken much interest in reading. She read, of course, as one did, but liking books was something she left to other people.

Still, though reading absorbed her, what the Queen had not expected was the degree to which it drained her of enthusiasm for anything else.

It is seldom at the frontier that discoveries are made but more often in the dustbin.

I note at the age of ten a fully developed ability not quite to enjoy myself, a capacity I have retained intact ever since.

She wasn't wholly infatuated, though she liked the way he looked; but, so too did he and that unfatuated her a bit.

How old does one have to be still to say tits?

The Jews had holidays that turned up out of the blue and the Catholics had children in much the same way.

Still, for all that everybody, while not happy, is not unhappy about it. And so they go on.

The more institutions and freedoms and benefits one can take for granted – of which in my view free state-supported galleries and museums come high on the list – the more civilised a society is.

Books are wonderful, aren't they?' she said to the vice-chancellor who concurred. 'At the risk of sounding like a piece of steak,' she said, 'they tenderise one.

Proust's is a long book, though, water- skiing permitting, you could get through it in the summer recess

The prime minister did not wholly believe in the past or in any lessons that might be drawn from it.

The king is up. You attend on the king, not on the clock. When the king is awake, you are awake.

You don't put your life into books. You find it there.

“Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.” 

“It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.” 

“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?” 

“A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.” 

“When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"” 

“The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.” 

“Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.” 

“For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.” 

“They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.” 

“It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” 

“In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.” 

“I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.” 

“I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.” 

“Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.” 

“War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.” 

“Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.” 

“For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.” 

“I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?” 

“The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.” 

“My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.” 

“One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?” 

“Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.” 

“She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.” 

“At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.” 

“Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.” 

“My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.” 

“Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.” 

“Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.” 

“The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.” 

“She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.” 

“My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.”