“On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.” 

“At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.” 

“It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.” 

“I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.” 

“Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.” 

“Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.” 

“This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!” 

“There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.” 

“They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.” 

“Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.” 

“Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?” 

“If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.” 

“Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!” 

“My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.” 

“We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.” 

“I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.” 

“I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.” 

“I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.” 

“I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.” 

“I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.” 

“I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."” 

“I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.” 

“My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.” 

“My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.” 

“My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."” 

“My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?” 

“My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.” 

“Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.” 

“Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list” 

“One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.” 

“Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?” 

“My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?” 

“He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.” 

“Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.” 

“In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.” 

“I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.” 

“I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!” 

“I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.” 

“Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?”

“Laughter is the best medicine in the world.” 

“It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!” 

“I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.” 

“The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.” 

“The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.” 

“All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.” 

“I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!” 

“Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.” 

“Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.” 

“Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?” 

“If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.”