Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

I'm actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

If it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.

Boys can be disgusting. You can't leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We're just obnoxious.

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

I have a thing for tools.

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.

I'm one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

Man is the only animal to borrow tools.

If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.

A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

I do a lot of family shows.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.