You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.

You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.

If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.

Wouldn't it be nice if all the people who are lonesome could live in one big dormitory, sleep in beds next to each other, talk, laugh, and keep the lights on as long as they want to?

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it.

Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

I tried the religion scam in Miami, so I know how hard that gig is. But, if you can get it to work, starting your own religion is a license to print money.

When earth gets good and crowded, like 15th century England, then some new Pilgrims are gonna rocket their Mayflowers to a new solar system.

If I just stuck to pot I might have found out what a drag being an aging hipster actually was.

Every tribe needs a good front man to sell the program. Who better to convince the Middle East to give up the oil, than a brown man with a Muslim name?

Life is a four-letter word.

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

To say whatever nonsense comes into your head without any repercussions has got to be a bigger high than heckling a movie screen in a darkened theater.

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.

Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy a terrible, terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago.

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I’d be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I’d be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.

You can't do anything with anybody's body to make it dirty to me. Six people, eight people, one person - you can do only one thing to make it dirty: kill it. Hiroshima was dirty.

There are never enough I Love You's.

Once the country was settled and built, the bosses changed the order from a stack of educated workers to a barrel of minimum wage lottery dreamers.

You got a million drug laws now because the bosses figured there was more money in putting people in jail than taxing something anyone can grow on a window sill.

Every group, every system has a set of values and morals and when you get outside those, then the alarms ring. I was politically incorrect to 95% of the country; luckily my 5% had the bread to come see me.

Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.

You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

Freedom of speech is a two way street, man. You have the right to say whatever you want and the Boss has a right to tell the police to arrest you.

There are no dirty words, only dirty minds.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.

It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.

I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God.

There's a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor.