"As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character."

"I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot."

"I didn't know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven."

"My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves."

"Snowball "just "leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game."

"I had to wrestle daily with both my inadequacy and my uncontrollable jealousy. I didn't want to kill her, but hoped someone else might do the job for me."

"The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day."

"The message was that if something is free, you should only take the best. If, on the other hand, you're forced to pay, it's best to lower the bar and not be so choosy."

"They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should have seen their underwear. Disgusting."

"If a person who constantly reads is labeled a bookworm, then I was quickly becoming what might be called a tapeworm."

"My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through."

"The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head."

"We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy handwriting and hopeless phonetic spelling."

"If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?"

"I see you that have a little swimming mouse"

"It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters."

"Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage."

"Funny how women are ashamed of their inner fairy whereas men are forever proudly displaying their inner cowboy or fireman"

"The theatre is one of those muscles - if you don't exercise it, it becomes a strange and truly fearful place."

"I want to do something where I play Judi Dench's younger sister or daughter."

"In actual life I am a grumpy old bag."

"That's the awful thing about dating. Tight underwear. We would all like to be in a big bra and pants and when you are in a secure relationship you can do that."

"Theatre outings are my favourite thing to spend money on. The most influential play I saw was 'Bent,' which starred Ian McKellen. And I loved the original performance of 'The Rocky Horror Show,' with Richard O'Brien and Tim Curry at the Royal Court, when I was about 15."

"I keep my own personality in a cupboard under the stairs at home so that no one else can see it or nick it."

"If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush."

"What was I thinking? Fact is I wasn't thinking. I didn't want to think. I wanted to feel."

"I never do any television without chocolate. That's my motto and I live by it. Quite often I write the scripts and I make sure there are chocolate scenes. Actually I'm a bit of a chocolate tart and will eat anything. It's amazing I'm so slim."

"I've often said the most difficult things I have to say to people through humour. I can very quickly put someone in their place with it. But we all walk away unscathed because there's been some funnies around it, and I'll usually make sure that it comes back at me."

"Evolving into a middle-aged person is quite interesting if we can understand what it means. I would like to think it meant being a bit sure of what I want."

"It was fantastic to work in Cornwall partly because my family live there "so "I was able to do lots of visiting and eat lots of cake. They live all over Cornwall and all over Devon."

"I don't read novels whilst I'm writing one; I just haven't got a wide enough brain to concentrate on incoming and outgoing in the same time zone."

"It's not that I don't like my mum's face; it's just that it belongs on her, not me."

"Two people occupying the same air. Nothing else in common. Just oxygen."

"I am not, I repeat, NOT a lesbian - even though I'd like to be one when I grow up."

"Turn up your radio. Watch lots of telly and eat loads of choc. Feel guilty. Stay up all night. Learn everything in six hours that has taken you two years to compile. That's how I did it."

"Never was there a creature more appropriately placed to be the poster girl for euthanasia."

"I know what it's like to struggle for cash. When I went to drama school, I worked as a chambermaid to make ends meet."

"Young people need their own private places which mothers don't belong to, even if they want mother all around the edge of that."

"I've always loved kissing. We all do, don't we?"

"My approach to parenting is that everything is open - everything. I'm not very good at covert, or subtle, and I've had to learn timing. I do blunder in a bit."

"Writing has become my great joy - I simply love it."

"Why would anyone want to be called a size zero or even aspire to being a zero? I don't even understand the thinking behind it, let alone the practicalities. What is all that about?"

"I watch schlock telly. Like the 'Kardashians.' I love it. It's my guilty pleasure."

"I'm known among my friends for saying things I probably shouldn't sometimes, but I have to get things out in the air."

"Any people whose lives are about the way they look, whether it's fat or thin, are in a dangerous area."

"The only time I did not know how to be, physically, was when I lost a lot of weight. That was the only time I didn't understand my body."

"I am a kid in the dressing-up box at heart."

"I haven't really ever had to audition for anything."

"The person I have admired the most in comedy terms would be Eric Morecambe, who is my total hero."

"I'd like to play a horse, many people think I already have. Either end of the horse would be fine."