It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

Just as it is the love of money that is the root of all evil, it is the belief in shamefulness that is the root of all misery.

We keep our insignificant blemishes so that we can blame them for our larger defects.

I think it was Harry Walpole who remarked, "In this life one should try everything once except incest and country dancing.

[his healing skills] ..lay in the ability to comfort, to comfort in the proper sense, to make strong, to fortify

Feelings are not something to which one does or does not have rights.

I was happy there. Which is to say I was not unhappy there. Unhappiness and happiness I have always been able to carry about with me, irrespective of place and people, because I have never joined in.

Late, Fry?’ ‘Really, sir? So am I.’ ‘Don’t try to be clever, boy.’ ‘Very good, sir. How stupid would you like me to be? Very stupid or only slightly stupid?

I also knew that he was the kind of anile little runt who, in foyers and theatre bars the West End over, can be heard bleating into their gin and tonics, "I go to the theatre to be entertained.

You have already achieved the English-Language poet's most important goal: you can read, Write and speak English well enough to understand this sentence.

Either a municipal bog is a private place or it isn't. If it is a private place in which to shit, how is it not a private place in which to fellate?

It was a Tuesday in February. Many my life's most awful moments have taken place on Tuesdays. And what is February if not the Tuesday of the year?

My real dissatisfaction is with my dissatisfaction. How dare I be so discontent? How dare I? Or being discontent why cannot I shut up about it?

Anger fed him and clothed him and he owed it much.

Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers.

Madam, I have been looking for a person who disliked gravy all my life; let us swear eternal friendship’.

All gone. All anger quelled, all desire drained, all thirst slaked, all madness past.

There can't be that many individual souls. Not souls like mine. There isn't room. There can't be.

Like a Frenchman, far from home, catching a whiff of Gauloise.

I am a lover of truth, a worshipper of freedom, a celebrant at the altar of language and purity and tolerance.

Read it wisely, Little One, for the power of ignorance is great.

You can't just say there is a god because the world is beautiful. You have to account for bone cancer in children.

I cannot bear natural light when I'm writing.

Nature admits no hierarchy of beauty or usefulness or importance.

You don't sit down and write a wish list about the person you are going to fall violently in love with. It just doesn't work like that.

Nobody seems to understand that in such matters the tact and sympathy should come from the one who is about to die, not the poor bugger who has to take the news.

Knowing those things are going to kill you," she said, "and still you do it." "How differently I might behave," Tom said, "if immortality were an option.

It was a Tuesday in February. Many of my life's most awful moments have taken place on Tuesdays. And what is February if not the Tuesday of the year?

It is a clich that most clich s are true, but then like most clich s, that clich is untrue

Between funny and witty Falls the shadow

Life, that can shower you with so much slendour, is unremittingly cruel to those who have given up.

It is complete loose stool water. It is arse-gravy of the worst kind. - About "The Da Vinci Code

Poetry is not made to be sucked up like a child's milkshake, it is much better sipped like a precious malt whisky.

A month's salary, deep regret, the telephone number of some foul rehab clinic and my lance was free.

Little girls grow up to be women, little boys grow up to be little boys.

Thos who rule the world get so little opportunity to run about and laugh and play in it.