QUOTES by Phyllis Diller
Find most favourite and famour Authors from A.A Milne to Zoe Kravitz.
Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
Quote by -Phyllis Diller