It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.