QUOTES by Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.
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When I was a kWhen I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.id and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
Quote by -Phyllis Diller
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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