When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

It's funny the more technological advanced everything gets, the more like acting in your bedroom when you're a kid it is.

Comedy is probably a way of dealing with anxiety. Sometimes it's a way of dealing with pain.

There isn't so much to be afraid of, out there. I can remember thinking it was funny to find that out, on the last night of my life; I'd spent the rest of it being afraid of everything.

As soon as I arrive at the house, Laurie starts running, hits my chest, knocks me down, and licks my face. It's become a family ritual.

There's nothing funnier than the human animal.

"Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."

In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.

Natural abilities are like natural plants; they need pruning by study.

A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green.

Brother says he's telling about you playing Doctor with that girl.

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different…”

“It is fun to have fun but you have to know how.”

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”