"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning"

"Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain."

"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."

"There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi."

"Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack."

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

"There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it."

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

"I am an entrepreneur in the classic mold. No matter what I do - outside of sticking my tongue out - I tend to make money, and quite a bit in non-KISS stuff."

"When you walk through a bad neighborhood, you don't want a poodle by your side. You want a Rottweiler."

"What would people think?' Jesus said that people think all sorts of things. The human mind is like a cloud of gnats. Constant motion. That's why you have to look at the heart. 'Oh,' said Grandpa."

"I just sort of slid into it, like you’d go for a walk in the woods and fall into a crevasse and wind up in a cave full of rubies and emeralds."

"You young people learned spelling by the ‘Close Enough’ method."

"... you are never so smart again in a language learned in middle age nor so romantic, brave or kind."

"The living wander away, we don’t hear from them for months, years—but the dead move in with us to stay."

"How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday."

"...life (pause) is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass."

"Sometimes I think I understand everything—then I regain consciousness."

"I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so I got a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet."

"Demagogues thrive in dim light."

"My God, rich people have the time to praise You if they want to, but the poor people are so busy, accept their work as praise because, my God, they don’t have time for everything."

"Hurry up! Do it – get it done. You got work to do. Don’t put this off and don’t take the long view. Life is today and tomorrow, and if you are lucky, may be next week."