"I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy."

"I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say 'I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean.' I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory."

"It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too."

"I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing."

"Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation."

"I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that I've had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitz's play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months."

"I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends."

"I am a fortunate man in that all three of my daughters are exceptional. Very high beings, very smart people, very wonderful and very brilliant, very beautiful. They're all artists."

"I've taken Midol before. My daughters find that hilarious. I had a headache and cramps, and there were no other pain relievers with caffeine in the house."

"Unless cameras were rolling, I was pretty much not Danny Tanner."

"I really love making people laugh."

"When you've seen a lot of bad stuff and just want to enjoy your life and be happy and have your kids happy and have your friends happy, you just have a value system where it raises the bar on what's important."

"I become a chameleon for wherever I am."

"I don't like the negative of reality tv - the 'you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me.' It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody."

"As soon as I go into a dark subject, like discussing the people I've loved and lost, I off-road into absurdist comedy perversion. It's both a means of protection and a kind of denial, a blessing and a curse. Wait, it's not a blessing at all. I guess it would be a bad habit and a curse."

"Celebrity is a word that I find offensive. That's the c-word. I hate it. It means no discernible talent. It means all you want is to be famous. It doesn't mean you're a writer, an actor, a mime. I think I wanna not be a celebrity."

"I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new tv show for cable and it's not set up yet."

"I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one."

"There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him."

"Comedians' first ten minutes usually stay with them the first several years of their career. It's their mission statement. Their disclaimer that lets people know who they are. Or were. It's also a good time to make fun of your name if you have a funny or strange one."

"I've met so many remarkable people so far, coming up through stand-up all these years, who just aren't alive anymore. Because they are dead. Some really great people who helped change my life and career, people like Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Rodney Dangerfield, Johnny Carson."

"Pop music often tells you everything is OK, while rock music tells you that it's not OK, but you can change it."

"Music can change the world because it can change people."

"Stop asking God to bless what you're doing. Find out what God's doing. It's already blessed."

"Christians are hard to tolerate; I don’t know how Jesus does it"

"Sometimes religion gets in the way of God."

"To be one, to be united is a great thing. But to respect the right to be different is maybe even greater."

"Feelings are much stronger than thoughts. We are all led by instinct, and our intellect catches up later"

"Dream up the kind of world you want to live in. Dream out loud."

"In general people put too much faith in the rich, the famous, the politicians, and not enough faith in themselves."

"Perspective is the cure for depression."

"Every age has its massive moral blind spots. We might not see them, but our children will."

"The right to be irresponsible and stupid is something I hold very dear. And luckily it is something I do well."

"Even though I'm a believer, I still find it really hard to be around other believers. They make me nervous, they make me twitch. I sorta watch my back."

"Books! I dunno if I ever told you this, but books are the greatest gift one person can give another."

"At a certain point, I just felt, you know, God is not looking for alms, God is looking for action."

"Whenever I see grace, I’m moved."

"I love America and I hate it. I'm torn between the two. I have two conflicting visions of America. One is a kind of dream landscape and the other is a kind of black comedy."

"It is impossible to meet God without abandon, without exposing yourself, being raw."

"In my dream, I was drowning my sorrows But my sorrows they learned to swim"

"The human heart is greedy; it will use religion, color, or any other excuse to justify its greed. Blame the human heart."

"Where you live should not determine whether you live, or whether you die."

"Laughter is eternity if joy is real."

"For all that "I was lost, I am found," it is probably more accurate to say, "I was really lost, I'm a little less so at the moment."

"We're starting our own religion at last. The Order of Frisbeetarians. We believe that when you die, your soul ascends to a rooftop and you can never get it back."

"I'm a musician. I write songs. I just hope when the day is done I've been able to tear a little corner off of the darkness."

"I wish to begin again on a daily basis. To be born again every day is something that I try to do. And I'm deadly serious about that."

"Every artist is a cannibal/every poet is a thief/all kill for inspiration/and then sing about the grief."

"We can't fix all problems but we must fix the ones we can"

"There is a root arrogance in any writer; a hugely arrogant assumption that anyone is going to listen to them."