"New York was a city where you could be frozen to death in the midst of a busy street and nobody would notice."

"Couldn't help but make me feel ashamed to live in a land where justice is a game."

"There must be some kind of way out of here,' said the joker to the thief..."

"...in this ocean of hours I'm all the time drinking..."

"Beauty walks a razors edge, someday I'll make it mine."

"Well, I try my best to be just like I am, But everybody wants you to be just like them, They sing while you slave and I just get bored"

"Don't Ask Me Nothing About Nothing, I Just Might Tell You the Truth"

"Don't get up gentlemen. I'm only passing through!"

"She's a hypnotist collector; you are a walking antique..."

"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings steal a little and they throw you in jail. Steal a lot and then they make you king."

"This land is your land and this land is my land, sure, but the world is run by those that never listen to music anyway."

"You call yourself what you want to call yourself. This is the land of the free"

"Some times I think this whole world Is one big prison yeard Some of us are prisoners The rest of us are guards"

"I wish that for just one time you could I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes... Then you'd know what a drag it is to see you."

"I think the truly natural things are dreams, which nature can't touch with decay."

"Look at the sun sinkin' like a ship. Ain't that just like my heart, babe. When you kissed my lips?"

"I just don't hear anyone else making the music I'm making in my head, so I'll have to do it myself."

"The sun's not yellow, its chicken!"

"The Harmonica is the world’s best-selling musical instrument. You’re welcome."

"One of the first things I ever did was 'Critical Condition.' That was before 'Full House.' It was a Richard Pryor movie. I didn't have a giant part, but I was in it throughout. I loved the heck out of it."

"Like with any good art form, if you can entertain people and make them think, it's an honor. It's just an honor to be a comedian."

"The whole thing for me is that I did 'Full House' and 'America's Funniest Home Videos,' and I look like a dentist, and I'm a dad. Being known as a dirty comedian turned into this weird thing. It's people's image of me."

"There's just something about the audiences in Detroit that I've always felt connected to. Detroit is different."

"I think things just happen to people. That's healthier, I feel, than believing there's some grand scheme where your story is already inscribed in the Book of Life. Books get rewritten."

"Now I've literally become neighborhood watch. I call 911 on people. I'm the old man driving 25-miles-per-hour down Sunset."

"I had enough therapy to know when I broke it down, it became clearer to me: Yes, comedy was kind of a cleansing thing for me to do."

"It's still a soft R, but when I watch other people's standup, I'm dumbfounded that people call me dirty. That's only because I did family television."

"I really love standup because it's something that I've been literally doing for 40 years, which means I'm a thousand years old."

"People learn English from 'Full House.' Candace's husband, Valeri Bure, he learned to speak English watching it... 'Aw, nuts.' 'You got it, dude.'"

"I wasn't the first choice for the role of Danny Tanner. Betty White was. Not true, but there was another actor whom they had shot the pilot with."

"I love performing. I love the people. I sound like Liza Minnelli right now, don't I?"

"I've just never been a person that was political or religiously savvy. Except for the fact that I was born Jewish. That gives me 10 circumcision jokes."

"I have a couple of jokes that are politically oriented, but it just sickens me to do them."

"I was so depressed for so many years over trying to become a working comedian that my sense of self-worth would plummet."

"I have nine compartments in my brain, and four of them don't stop."

"It's interesting to talk to young comedians. I love it because it makes me go, 'Oh, that's how I can be funny.'"

"I've never not felt relevant."

"When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away."

"I never expected to live this long."

"Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter."

"I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club."

"My confidence wavers between being genuine and being insecure."

"I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either."

"25, 30 years ago, that meant something, they were making some money. And they were doing all sorts of comedy, screaming at the audience, basically crowd control. And then there was the whole urban comedy scene."

"What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating."

"I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff."

"It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive."

"Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too."

"The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it."

"Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored."