Humans will always babble. If someone wants to tweet that they can't decide whether to wear blue socks or brown socks, then fair enough. But when sharing becomes automated, I get the heebie-jeebies.

Online, you play at being yourself.

We humans are great at creating tools with unforeseen consequences. For instance, when we invented the wheel, we had no way of knowing we were also laying the foundations for the TV show 'Top Gear.'

Short of finding a place on the witness protection programme, you don't get many opportunities to completely reinvent your life. Going to university changes that. Away from home, away from parents, away from anyone who remembers you from school, you can pretend to be far cooler and more experienced than you are.

In the early '80s, the arcade game Pac-Man was twice as popular as oxygen.

When a monk takes a vow of silence, is he still allowed to post messages on the Internet? Chances are God won't find out. Being ancient, God probably can't work computers. He holds the mouse gingerly, like it's made of fine china.

Youth fare aside, I have generally always been interested in what's going on culturally.

It must be awful, being a homophobe.

I'm no financial expert. I scarcely know what a coin is. Ask me to explain what a credit default swap is, and I'll emit an unbroken 10-minute 'um' through the clueless face of a broken puppet. You might as well ask a pantomime horse.

The entire economy relies on the suspension of disbelief. So does a fairy story or an animated cartoon. This means that no matter how soberly the financial experts dress, no matter how dry their language, the economy they worship can only ever be as plausible as an episode of 'SpongeBob SquarePants.'

Banking, as far as I can tell, seems to be almost as precise a science as using a slot machine. You either blindly hope for the best, delude yourself into thinking you've worked out a system, or open it up when no one's looking and rig the settings so it'll pay out illegally.

Like bankers, top footballers are massively overpaid, but at least you comprehend what they're doing for the money.

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat waiters and shop assistants, especially when you are one.

The majority of people are perfectly capable of interacting with retail staff without spitting on them or whipping their hides like dawdling cattle, but Planet Earth still harbours more than its fair share of disappointments.

If I ran a national burger franchise - which I don't - I'd make it a rule that no two customers can be greeted with precisely the same words and that every third customer must be grossly insulted as a matter of course. Just to keep the atmosphere nice and lively. And to keep the staff laughing.

What I disliked most about working as a shop assistant wasn't the occasional snooty customer or the shop or the hours, but the way people reacted when I told them I was a shop assistant - their automatic assumption that I didn't enjoy it.

Ever since about 1998, when humankind began fast-forwarding through the gradually-unfolding history of progress, like someone impatiently zipping through a YouTube clip in search of the best bits, we've grown accustomed to machines veering from essential to obsolete in the blink of a trimester.

If your home is anything like mine, it contains several rarely explored crannies stashed full of archaic chargers, defunct cables, and freshly antiquated gizmos whose sole useful function in 2011 is to make 2005 feel like 1926, simply by looking big and dull and impossibly lumpen.

I can't imagine painting my face in a team colour and roaring with delight as a multi-millionaire kicks a ball at a net.

New Year's resolutions work like this: you think of something you enjoy doing and then resolve to stop doing it.

Rather than setting yourself a New Year's resolution, why not simply pick a reason for hating yourself for the next 365 days? Takes less time, and it's easier to stick to.

Calling Batman 'the Dark Knight' is like calling Papa Smurf 'the Blue Patriarch':you're not fooling anyone.

If you can't laugh at yourself, you don't deserve to laugh at anybody else.

I've never felt like I was living in anyone's shadow. My life was what it was.

I think I have had a remarkable and colorful life, so I decided to share it.

My own son called me Eddie Murphy's brother once. Once.

If you want to laugh, see a comedy. If you want to cry, see a drama, and if you want suspense, see a thriller.

Gangs are formed by kids who want love.

Back when Sammy Davis, Jr. and Dean Martin were doing roasts, they were all friends. They knew each other's children, each other's wives, each other's families. It wasn't about being disrespectful. It was about being funny.

I feel blessed to be able to do my stand up comedy all over the world, because some people never even leave New York.

While I have been to Switzerland, Stockholm, and other parts of Europe and Canada, I don't have a specific place that is my favorite. I just represent Earth.

I was always proud of my brother. He helped me tremendously, but we're family, so we were never in his shadow.

My whole life is a funny moment, man.

I like to tease people. I hate when people do it to me, though.

I respect everybody. You don't have to earn my respect. You earn my disrespect.

There's a lot of racism when I was in the Navy, and I had to deal with that.

I don't hang out with soft cats.

I have a very good talent at finding out exactly what it is about yourself that you don't like and then keep bringing it up.

When I was nine, my father passed away. It's one thing when you're a kid and your father wasn't there for you. My father was there, and then he was taken away.

When you don't have money, you fall under the influence of anybody who has the appearance of having it.

In the Navy, you're around a lot of people from different parts of the country. They've got different accents, different upbringings. I learned to love country-western music.

As far as stand-up comedy, I got into the business later than most, yeah.

Prior to the 'Chappelle's Show,' you know, no one would even listen to me, in the frame of, 'Oh, he is trying to be funny.'

When I was nine years old, I was in a movie called, 'Landlord' with Pearl Bailey, Lou Gossett, and Beau Bridges.

If you don't know things, you know, you just go by your instinct.

I was into basketball, football, karate, boxing.

I would say I was an all-American teenager.

When you're in the military, you get accustomed to sleep deprivation.

When I first started doing comedy, I was 42 years old, and I was the brother of one of the most celebrated comics in history who made his name in the game 20 years earlier.

I've always had the luck or blessing that someone would say, 'I liked what you did in that movie. I'd like you to be in my movie.'