Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

If you think fast food is hittin a deer att 65 miles per hr.. you might be a redneck

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love.

You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light

When I first started out, being from the South and going to New York or Chicago, people kept telling me to get voice lessons and 'lose that stupid accent you got.' And I'm like, 'Well, where I come from, you have the stupid accent.'

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

We're all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we've got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, 'Hey, we're all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here.' We need to have a sense of humor about it; that's kind of the way I've always faced my comedy.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

There's no down time any more.

If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.

If you think a quaterhorse is that ride in front of Kmart.. You might be a rednneck

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

I know God is real.

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.

I never thought I would do a game show, but now I guess I'm now officially in that genre.

I love comedy. God has given me this platform.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

Once you figure out who you are and what you love about yourself, I think it all kind of falls into place.

People who avoid the brick walls - all power to ya, but we all have to hit them sometimes in order to push through to the next level, to evolve.

Cancer affects all of us, whether you're a daughter, mother, sister, friend, coworker, doctor, patient.

I've seen people go through divorces and stuff, crossroads that don't end well. Often.

I've always loved to combine different scents to come up with my own unique thing.

I was always the mediator.

I'm not sitting dwelling about the past or stressing or fretting about something in the future.

I want to see friends more and travel more.

Everybody who has ever been snubbed, you know that is very humiliating.

I feel sexy in my jeans and wearing my boyfriend's T-shirt.

The women that inspire me are the ones who have careers and children; why would I want to limit myself? I've always wanted to have children, and I would never give up that experience for a career. I want to have it all.

I think a good relationship is about collaboration.