"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

"So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family."

"You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble."

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?"

"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."

"Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple."

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?"

"Would a fly without wings be called a walk?"

"Religion is just mind control."

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

"There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it."

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

"Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack."

"There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi."

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."

"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."

"Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning"

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."

"I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in."

"I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker."

"I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him."

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."

"And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me."

"My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!"

"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."

"You never really learn much from hearing yourself speak."

"Directing is really exciting. In the end, it's more fun to be the painter than the paint."

"I enjoy going on motorcycle trips and stopping in small towns and enjoying drinks with the locals."

"I think people in Italy live their lives better than we do. It's an older country, and they've learned to celebrate dinner and lunch, whereas we sort of eat as quickly as we can to get through it."

"In doing the screenplay for 'Good Night, and Good Luck,' the most important thing for me was to constantly go back to wherever the opposition would argue. So I had to keep reading all the books and articles about why McCarthy is such a good guy."

"I use my film-making to work through my deep questions and my deep problems. I think I could watch each film and tell you exactly which part of my psyche I'm trying to work out."

"If people see me having dinner with a beautiful woman, they immediately believe that I'm having a love affair with her. Of course that's rubbish. I'm not a playboy!"

"But I'm kind of comfortable with getting older because it's better than the other option, which is being dead. So I'll take getting older."

"Yes, I slouch. My mother tells me that."

"I bought a piano once because I had the dream of playing As Time Goes By as some girl's leaning on it drinking a martini. Great image. But none of it worked out. I can't even play Chopsticks. But I've got a nice piano at my house!"

"I've been working with Pat Robertson on Africa debt-relief, and we disagree on virtually everything except certain very specific, inalienable rights, and the truth is that morality and patriotism come in all shapes and sizes."

"Failures are infinitely more instructive than successes."

"I think you should automatically donate your organs because that would turn the balance of organ donation in a huge way. I would donate whatever anybody would take, and I'd probably do the cremation bit."

"In the '60s, when I was growing up, one of the great elements of American culture was the protest song. There were songs about the civil rights movement, the women's rights movement, the antiwar movement. It wasn't just Bob Dylan, it was everybody at the time."

"They say I was a bad Batman, that it was my fault, that I buried the franchise. But the truth is, it was a big project. I was pretty intimidated in that world. I did the best I could in the situation I was given."

"You have only a short period of time in your life to make your mark, and I'm there now."

"Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties."

"The simple truth is that everyone has an opinion, everyone has the right to voice it, and they should if they want to."

"You make a lot of films, do you? You make a lot of films yourself? Yeah, I'd like to see you make a film first before you get to talk about it. What a jerk."