"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."

"Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist."

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."

"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"How is it possible to have a civil war?"

"When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place."

"I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

"Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school."

"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."

"How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?"

"Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?"

"Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath."

"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck"

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point."

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

"A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed."

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."

"When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat."

"THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police."

"Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."

"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."

"If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked."

"Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers."

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"Everyone smiles in the same language."

"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."

"If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?"

"If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?"

"It's never just a game when you're winning."

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"

"People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?"

"Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did."

"We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass."

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

"Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything."

"The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend."

"I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."