Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win.

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding.

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.

Political audiences are not fun.

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

Everybody's family has different values.

I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.

What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.'

I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people.

For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.

I'm a Jew.

I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition.

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.

This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.

I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.

I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.

My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.

People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.

In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.

Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.