I hate my hair so much.

If someone doesn't like a comedian that's fine; a lot of people probably don't like my standup, and that's fine. But I think that the problem is people want you to get in trouble. That's the issue.

You just have to believe in what you're saying and be able to explain why you said it. There's nothing I say that I can't back up or at least explain why I came to that conclusion, so I'm not afraid of getting in trouble.

I find when most people are offended, it's phony. It's an attention-seeking device. So I love to call them out on it from stage.

The biggest killer to funny is hyper sensitivity to certain subject matter and Montreal is as guilty of that as L.A. or New York or San Francisco.

All major cities are the same. People have the same sensibilities and they get afraid of the same subjects, groaning at the same things.

I wanted to do a talk show that reminded me of the old school ones I loved as a kid, without all the fake enthusiasm and sound bite-driven conversations.

I think what's happening is that women are allowed to be funnier as we stop pretending that there are subjects that they shouldn't address.

With 'Mouthful of Shame,' all of my fans or the majority of them said it's the best thing you've ever done and that meant a lot because as you go on with time, if they're still really enjoying it, that means you're getting better.

You never want your greatest work to be 10 years ago.

For me, a good comedy town is filled with people on the verge of a riot. They need something to relieve the tension.

I love Philly so much. I know that at any time, any place, a fight can break out. Those are great comedy fans.

No matter how many books I've sold, nothing can correct the fact I look like Alfred Hitchcock from the side.

My instinct is to be honest and make fun of things.

If somebody said about me, 'I don't think his jokes are good, I don't think he's a good comedian,' I don't like to read that but that's a fair thing to say.

Here's the rule of thumb: When the entire family looks like the unibomber, they're against gay marriage.

If I'm gonna make fun of Trump, I'm gonna tell you things that I've done that are similar. I like to tell on myself, as well as make fun of the people I'm talking about. I feel like it gives me more of a right to make fun of them if I am talking about myself, too. It's more fun for me that way, honestly.

I know I'm funny, and I like to be in front of people, and the fact that I'm good at that. It's the one thing that gave me self-esteem.

I want people to feel like there's nothing they have to be worried about laughing at. There's nothing that can't be made fun of.

I don't think any comedy is ever shocking. I don't buy that. That's just what people brand it, when someone is saying something they don't like.

I don't watch too much television because I want to write something, and you never want to be influenced by other things that are on - and if they're really funny it'll just depress me because it's something I'm not a part of.

I never care if the audience groans.

Comics who consider themselves 'mavericks' or think the crowd doesn't get them are normally lousy comics.

It's probably a lot cooler than wearing jeans and a T-shirt. Once I put on the mask, I don't even realize that it's there. They're molded off of our faces, so they fit really well.

I want to see the guitar in a non-linear sense that encompasses tones, arrangements, songwriting, audio production, and everything else - you have to do it all.

I'm just a dumb guitar player, man.

It's hard to chase a vibe and catch a vibe.

In a nine-piece-band is one guy gonna call up eight guys and have a 45-minute discussion about every decision? No. So things are a lot more democratic in Stone Sour. Plus, we're closer and it's a lot easier to communicate. In Slipknot that's the big problem - communication.

When you've got a mask on, you're kind of invincible. It's almost like nobody can see you, and you can do what you want to do without consequences.

The culture of buying an album on CD or vinyl has gone out of the window. A lot of kids don't really understand that, they just hop onto Limewire, or find a BitTorrent, or even just go onto iTunes if they're going to pay for something. It's just right there, there's no searching about.

Dave Fortman really helped me appreciate Rick Rubin as a producer.

Sometimes I can be a little bit I don't know, stubborn or something. Maybe to a fault.

Rick Rubin was able to do things that Dave Fortman could never do. I'm not trying to take anything away from Dave Fortman as a producer. He's extremely talented. He wasn't able to get nine people together on the same page and, to me, that's the most important thing in making a Slipknot record.

We're closer friends in Stone Sour than I am with the guys in Slipknot and that makes life a lot easier. I'm not trying to take anything away from Slipknot.

It's important to evolve without ever straying too far from your roots and what established you.

All my racks are the same between Slipknot and Stone Sour. The only thing I'll do is switch out pedals in the GCX system. But it's the same heads, same wireless, same GCX.

Finding the right amp can be a process, especially when you're young and just starting out. When I was a kid, I had to rely on whatever I got for Christmas. Then my mom got me a Peavey VTM 120. I used that for a few years.

You don't even know are we going to have a career? Are we going to be able to sell records? Are we going to have a label?

Some of the guys in Stone Sour, I think they just want to be a radio band and write strictly for radio and try to be more of a poppy rock band. And that's not really what I'm into.

I'm extremely lucky to be doing what I'm doing right now and I work very hard at maintaining this career and living this dream that I'm living, but there's also a price to pay. I mean, we give a lot of ourselves and every day.

Slipknot's the kind of band you need to step away from and kind of take a break from and let it heal, so to speak.

To have a No. 1 with 130,000 copies sold is, you know, I remember when we first started selling records, in order to have a No. 1, you'd have to sell at least a half a million if not more, for the rock side of things.

One of the downfalls of not being in Stone Sour was I sat at home for two and a half years, and I hadn't ever done that since we started touring in 1999. I was really nervous and freaked out.

With 'Iowa,' if you ask me, we really passed up a lot of things that we could have done with the two auxiliary drummers. I mean they hardly touched their drums on that album.

Yes, it is extremely lucky to be doing what I'm doing, and I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

I'm always living at least a year ahead of where I'm really at, and that can really lead you to some negative thoughts and some bad vibes.

I'll never be able to listen to anything we've done like someone who's just picked it up for the first time.

As a person, I think you're always kind of searching for something or going through a hardship, whether it's your parents splitting up or anything like that. I mean, my parents stuck together, for whatever reason, until I was about 23, and then they decided to call it quits.

You always have to be on top of your game, because you never know what is going to happen.

I was awkward in school. I didn't really fit in with any kind of crowd in school. I didn't have a lot of friends. But the friends I had were very close friends.