If I ran a national burger franchise - which I don't - I'd make it a rule that no two customers can be greeted with precisely the same words and that every third customer must be grossly insulted as a matter of course. Just to keep the atmosphere nice and lively. And to keep the staff laughing.

What I disliked most about working as a shop assistant wasn't the occasional snooty customer or the shop or the hours, but the way people reacted when I told them I was a shop assistant - their automatic assumption that I didn't enjoy it.

Ever since about 1998, when humankind began fast-forwarding through the gradually-unfolding history of progress, like someone impatiently zipping through a YouTube clip in search of the best bits, we've grown accustomed to machines veering from essential to obsolete in the blink of a trimester.

If your home is anything like mine, it contains several rarely explored crannies stashed full of archaic chargers, defunct cables, and freshly antiquated gizmos whose sole useful function in 2011 is to make 2005 feel like 1926, simply by looking big and dull and impossibly lumpen.

I can't imagine painting my face in a team colour and roaring with delight as a multi-millionaire kicks a ball at a net.

New Year's resolutions work like this: you think of something you enjoy doing and then resolve to stop doing it.

Rather than setting yourself a New Year's resolution, why not simply pick a reason for hating yourself for the next 365 days? Takes less time, and it's easier to stick to.

Calling Batman 'the Dark Knight' is like calling Papa Smurf 'the Blue Patriarch':you're not fooling anyone.

If you can't laugh at yourself, you don't deserve to laugh at anybody else.

I've never felt like I was living in anyone's shadow. My life was what it was.

I think I have had a remarkable and colorful life, so I decided to share it.

My own son called me Eddie Murphy's brother once. Once.

If you want to laugh, see a comedy. If you want to cry, see a drama, and if you want suspense, see a thriller.

Gangs are formed by kids who want love.

Back when Sammy Davis, Jr. and Dean Martin were doing roasts, they were all friends. They knew each other's children, each other's wives, each other's families. It wasn't about being disrespectful. It was about being funny.

I feel blessed to be able to do my stand up comedy all over the world, because some people never even leave New York.

While I have been to Switzerland, Stockholm, and other parts of Europe and Canada, I don't have a specific place that is my favorite. I just represent Earth.

I was always proud of my brother. He helped me tremendously, but we're family, so we were never in his shadow.

My whole life is a funny moment, man.

I like to tease people. I hate when people do it to me, though.

I respect everybody. You don't have to earn my respect. You earn my disrespect.

There's a lot of racism when I was in the Navy, and I had to deal with that.

I don't hang out with soft cats.

I have a very good talent at finding out exactly what it is about yourself that you don't like and then keep bringing it up.

When I was nine, my father passed away. It's one thing when you're a kid and your father wasn't there for you. My father was there, and then he was taken away.

When you don't have money, you fall under the influence of anybody who has the appearance of having it.

In the Navy, you're around a lot of people from different parts of the country. They've got different accents, different upbringings. I learned to love country-western music.

As far as stand-up comedy, I got into the business later than most, yeah.

Prior to the 'Chappelle's Show,' you know, no one would even listen to me, in the frame of, 'Oh, he is trying to be funny.'

When I was nine years old, I was in a movie called, 'Landlord' with Pearl Bailey, Lou Gossett, and Beau Bridges.

If you don't know things, you know, you just go by your instinct.

I was into basketball, football, karate, boxing.

I would say I was an all-American teenager.

When you're in the military, you get accustomed to sleep deprivation.

When I first started doing comedy, I was 42 years old, and I was the brother of one of the most celebrated comics in history who made his name in the game 20 years earlier.

I've always had the luck or blessing that someone would say, 'I liked what you did in that movie. I'd like you to be in my movie.'

In the military, the reason you take the right path is they eliminate other choices. I needed that. They set me straight.

As the older brother, I was expected to make sure no one messed with Eddie when he went to the park. He didn't have to deal with anyone saying, 'I'll get you after school.'

If I look at my family tree and follow every generation before us, going all the way back to the slaves, then Eddie Murphy is the highest achievement as far as my bloodline is concerned. How could you be jealous? You can only be proud, unless you got some serious issues.

I went into the military because I wanted to get an education, not because I wanted to fight anybody.

I don't think there's a person in the industry that wouldn't love to work with Dave Chappelle. That's a no-brainer.

I look at the world and I find the funny in it, because there's funny in everything. No matter how ugly it may be, there's a funny way to look at it.

Charlie Murphy has been around for a long time. I've worked with a lot of exciting artists, and it was a thrill to be around to watch them display their skills.

Everything was a lot more challenging for me because of who my brother was. If I were in the film, someone would had said that I got the part because Eddie's in the film. If I wrote a script, folks would say that I didn't really write that: that Eddie did and I threw my name on it.

I never went around saying who my brother was. Everybody else was doing that.

Don't take life for granted.

Don't take people for granted.

Several of my uncles are comedians. My father is a comedian; my grandfather was known for his jokes. It definitely runs in the family.

What I'm pretty much giving you when you see me onstage is me; it's not a fake character.

I wake up every morning, and I am ecstatic.