God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

I report, I decide.

Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.

Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.

That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.

(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock

Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.

As far as I can tell, a young adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window

Artists work best alone. Work alone.

If you love what you do and are willing to do what it takes, it's within your reach.

I learned not to worry so much about the outcome, but to concentrate on the step I was on and to try to do it as perfectly as I could when I was doing it.

There are good things I see on Samsung phones that I wish were in my iPhone. I wish Apple would use them and could use them, and I don't know if Samsung would stop us.

Not every Apple product makes a big enough difference to me to get instantly, although many do.

My primary phone is the iPhone. I love the beauty of it. But I wish it did all the things my Android does, I really do.

To give of yourself is much more important than giving a gift you can buy.

Our first computers were born not out of greed or ego, but in the revolutionary spirit of helping common people rise above the most powerful institutions.

I hope you're as lucky as I am. The world needs inventors--great ones. You can be one. If you love what you do and are willing to do what it really takes, it's within your reach. And it'll be worth every minute you spend alone at night, thinking and thinking about what it is you want to design or build. It'll be worth it, I promise.

Steve Jobs doesn't use a Mac, and won't, because it's too crappy in his opinion.

I just believe in whatever you're going to do, even if it's work, have a little bit of fun attitude about it. You can be happy.

Most inventors and engineers I've met are like me. They're shy and they live in their heads. The very best of them are artists. And artists work best alone...

The easier it is to do something, the harder it is to change the way you do it.

I don't believe anything really revolutionary has ever been invented by committee... I'm going to give you some advice that might be hard to take. That advice is: Work alone... Not on a committee. Not on a team.

When you don't have the hardware resources, you have to take advantage of what you have inside the chip

I never got into Linux. I swear to God, it's only lack of time. I'm past the years of my life where I can really dig into something like running a Linux system. I'm very sympathetic to the whole idea; Linux people always think the way I want to think.

It's can you, Steve Wozniak, design the same computer - maybe it's a Varian 620i - can you design it on paper with fewer chips than last month? Can you design it with 79 chips instead of 80 chips?I had played this game so long that I had all these little tricks in my head that I can't even explain. Nothing was wasted; absolutely zero waste. I told this story recently to the Resource Recovery Association, recycling, and they loved to hear I didn't believe in waste.

My dream was actually just to have a computer some day. If I'd imagined that it meant starting a company to sell them, I probably would have avoided the whole thing.

Pretty much I want to be Steve Wozniak, who I decided I was at a young age and not change. I want to go back to school and get my college degree like I would have without Apple.I want to teach young kids like I would have without Apple. And part of it is I'm accessible. I'm open. And so many people e-mail me and get me. And as much as I can I try to answer people, listen to them, be polite and say yes.

I want to get back to education. When I was in college I paid attention to child psychology portions of our psychology classes. I watch other people work with babies. And I saw the baby as developing like a computer and it intrigued me in my life. I wanted to do that.

Imagination is something you do alone.

I had designed -in high school designed hundreds and hundreds of computers over and over and over, so I developed these skills without ever thinking I'd do it in life as job.

I absolutely do not need a salary or a job, that's the last thing I need.