If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

The more you know, the sadder you get.

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

It's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!

I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!

I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory

Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!

Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun

My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

Brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.

Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

I am no fan of books.

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

Yes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, 'Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.'-- Stephen Colbert

Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.