QUOTES by Milton Berle
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“Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."”
Quote by -Milton Berle