“I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.” 

“I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."” 

“I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.” 

“My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.” 

“My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.” 

“My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."” 

“My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?” 

“My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.” 

“Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.” 

“Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list” 

“One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.” 

“Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?” 

“My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?” 

“He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.” 

“Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.” 

“In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.” 

“I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.” 

“I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!” 

“I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.” 

“Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?”

“Laughter is the best medicine in the world.” 

“It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!” 

“I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.” 

“The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.” 

“The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.” 

“All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.” 

“I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!” 

“Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.” 

“Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.” 

“Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?” 

“If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.” 

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” 

“I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.” 

“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.” 

“A thing of beauty is a job forever.” 

“My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.” 

“Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.” 

“I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.” 

“At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.” 

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” 

“A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"” 

“I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.” 

“Laughter is an instant vacation.” 

“This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"” 

“Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.” 

“The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.” 

“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” 

“Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.” 

“Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.”