Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that's a good thing.

Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel. Topo Gigio

I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.

I am a thespian trapped in a man's body.

A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad's car. I don't blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don't have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.

I've gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I'm back to a flip-phone. It's funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they're considered antiques.

I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.

Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.

My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.

Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

I'm actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

If it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.

Boys can be disgusting. You can't leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We're just obnoxious.

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

I have a thing for tools.

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.

I'm one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

Man is the only animal to borrow tools.

If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.