"Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns."

"That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie."

"The point is, a leader does what he thinks is right, not what he thinks the popular thing is."

"But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men."

"We've been brainwashed into believing that it's a sin to discriminate. But discrimination doesn't mean racism; it means telling unlike things apart."

"Republicans: 'we fought the good fight' - yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid from getting a free inhaler."

"New Rule: People on reality shows have to quit saying, "You either love me or you hate me." There's actually a third option: not giving a shit about you."

"I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book."

"Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more of it! Strange when you consider their answer to drug dependence is to cut off the supply."

"New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn't make us all ask, "What went on in that house?"

"Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years, he's still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America!"

"In pharmaceutical speak, psilocybin is known as an asshole inhibitor."

"New Rule: The sad mime at every protest has to give it a rest. One sign you're a major annoyance: when you haven't said anything and I still want to tell you to shut the fuck up."

"If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream."

"Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic."

"Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?"

"Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance."

"I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma."

"Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit!"

"Ariana is a huge supporter of mine; she's a big fan - she told me that when I met her. She's cool, her voice is crazy, she's got a great, great voice."

"In the studio, I always put on National Geographic for inspiration. Looking at lions eating gazelles, all that type of stuff."

"I don't call my people fans, I call them believers, because they go above and beyond."

"I really just appreciate good jewelry, clarity, gold. I think gold is made for kings and pharaohs - that's what I am. That's why I rock gold and, you know, stuff like that."

"My white girl Veronica, black girl Monica, Got me celebrating Christma-Hanu-Kwanzaa-kah, Rocking dashikis with a yarmulke."