Humor Quotes
Find one of the best and famous quote catagorized into topics like inspirational, motivations, deep, thoughtful, art, success, passion, frindship, life, love and many more.
“Can't stand all these poisonous creatures, all these snakes and insects and fish and things. Wretched things, biting everybody. And then people expect me to tell them what to do about it. I'll tell them what to do. Don't get bitten in the first place. (quoting Dr. Struan Sutherland)”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
“Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying "Blood...blood...blood...blood...”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
“One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about human beings was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious, as in It's a nice day, or You're very tall, or Oh dear you seem to have fallen down a thirty-foot well, are you all right? At first Ford had formed a theory to account for this strange behaviour. If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favour of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working.”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
“My capacity for happiness," he added, "you could fit into a matchbox without taking out the matches first”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
“Exactly!" said Deep Thought. "So once you do know what the question actually is, you'll know what the answer means.”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
“I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
“The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the 'Star Spangled Banner', but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish.”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
“The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
“Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
“What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
“If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
“The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
Quote by -Douglas Adams
We wanted to step off our island and add the color of the third world. We got gold cigarette paper and stuck it around our teeth. We really did look like pirates and dressed to look the part.
Quote by -Vivienne Westwood
I think 'Country Girl' is one song that can veer into country or hip-hop or rap. You can listen to it and enjoy the humor and the fun in it.
Quote by -Luke Bryan
A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he's not very bright.
Quote by -Lucille Ball
"An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy, would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men."
Quote by -Charles Darwin
"Nothing is worse than to finish a good shit, then reach over and find the toilet paper container empty. Even the most horrible human being on earth deserves to wipe his ass."
Quote by -Charles Bukowski
"Love is all right for those who can handle the psychic overload. It's like trying to carry a full garbage can on your back over a rushing river of piss."
Quote by -Charles Bukowski
"There is always one woman to save you from another and as that woman saves you she makes ready to destroy"
Quote by -Charles Bukowski
"A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man."
Quote by -Catherine Deneuve
"No one but a fool would measure their satisfaction by what the world thinks of it."
Quote by -Oliver Goldsmith
"My mother was very funny. My dad had a great sense of humor. My grandmother, too."
Quote by -Carol Burnett
"Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing."
Quote by -Carol Burnett