"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point."

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

"A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed."

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."

"When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat."

"THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police."

"Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."

"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."

"If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked."

"Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers."

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"Everyone smiles in the same language."

"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."

"If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?"

"If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?"

"It's never just a game when you're winning."

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"

"People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?"

"Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did."

"We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass."

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

"Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything."

"The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend."

"I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

"So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family."

"You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble."

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?"

"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."

"Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple."

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?"

"Would a fly without wings be called a walk?"

"Religion is just mind control."

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

"There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it."

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

"Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack."

"There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi."

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."

"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."

"Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain."