"Every day in America is a day with a shooting."

"Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime."

"Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that."

"Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American."

"New Rule: Any tattoo that has more than one line is too long."

"If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream."

"New Rule: The sad mime at every protest has to give it a rest. One sign you're a major annoyance: when you haven't said anything and I still want to tell you to shut the fuck up."

"In pharmaceutical speak, psilocybin is known as an asshole inhibitor."

"Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years, he's still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America!"

"New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn't make us all ask, "What went on in that house?"

"Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more of it! Strange when you consider their answer to drug dependence is to cut off the supply."

"I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book."

"New Rule: People on reality shows have to quit saying, "You either love me or you hate me." There's actually a third option: not giving a shit about you."

"Republicans: 'we fought the good fight' - yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid from getting a free inhaler."

"We've been brainwashed into believing that it's a sin to discriminate. But discrimination doesn't mean racism; it means telling unlike things apart."

"But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men."

"The point is, a leader does what he thinks is right, not what he thinks the popular thing is."

"That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie."

"Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns."

"You just got your nerd credentials back."

"Bloodless revolutions are rare."

"When the enemy gets to your citadel, your prided epicenter, everything's in play."

"We should stop worrying so much about the price of gasoline and start considering its cost. You really want to be patriotic? Don't change your car by putting a flag on it, change the car."

"True patriotism is doing something for your country."

"Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag--they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it."

"I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?"

"This is the opposite of the free market."

"We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That's the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won't ask too much of you, if you don't ask too much of us."

"It's not that we don't care--it's just that that we'd prefer not to get involved."

"Fascism is when corporations become the government."

"And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world."

"If you send more than one news van to cover Dancing with the Stars, then you have to change your name from Eyewitness News to Guess What, You Guys?"

"Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers."

"I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed."

"America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent."

"The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people."

"New Rule: While you're telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, you must also fill me in on your vacation and show me pictures of your kids. That way, I can not give a shit all at once."

"Too many in America lead with their emotions when it comes to the flag, becoming illogically protective.Hell, the British treat their national symbol, the Royal Family, way worse, and they're people!"

"We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home."

"Fake it. We know you can do that. We’ve seen your sex tape."

"He sold Syria way better than he sold this."

"I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself."

"I guess what's so frustrating about the drug movement is that it's not much of a movement that's too many stoners involved."

"If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than "No," you tweeted your penis."

"The world is a fascinating, difficult place, and in order to take full advantage of what the planet has to offer, we need to see and hear natural things."

"Safety nets for the poor and disadvantaged are a must for any compassionate nation, but encouraging folks to go on the dole when not absolutely necessary is disgraceful."

"The Internet has become a hate-filled town square with no limits put on destructive verbal behavior."

"The chief al Qaeda recruiting tool is the net."

"Your mom was right when she told you never to discuss politics and religion because emotions run so high in those arenas. Especially religion."