I'd be 100 percent supportive of a minimum wage - kind of industry specific, maybe regionally specific - for guest workers, so that we're not creating incentives for employers to bring in immigrants to lower the price of labor.

I believe the U.S. has been way too silent on the brutality, the lack of human rights in the Muslim world for women.

I am going to certainly endorse the Republican nominee, and obviously it looks like that will be Mr. Trump.

Russ Feingold is a career politician. He's addicted to it.

If you manage things properly - and, listen, I'm a business guy. I've got to prioritize spending in all my business career to prevent my business from going bankrupt. The federal government has got to start doing that eventually as well.

This is nothing negative about the other candidates. It's just a recognition of the fact that Governor Romney has won more delegates. He's the only person that really has a chance to take the winning number of delegates into the convention.

We have seven months before the election. Our top priority as fiscal conservatives is to make sure President Obama retires.

We need different perspectives here in Washington - someone who has private-sector experience, somebody who's actually created jobs, manufactures products, understands the incentives and disincentives, the intended and unintended consequences of legislation.

I don't respect phoniness.

Never denied climate change. It has always changed and always will.

George H.W. Bush assembled a 'coalition of the willing.' We need to do that again.

One of the promises I made when I ran was, I'll never vote with my reelection in mind.

We certainly should support both parties having observers at the polling stations to make sure that neither side does anything that allowed a fraudulent vote. That's a very healthy check on the process.

The best way to prevent the homegrown-inspired attacks is literally positive engagement with Muslim communities. Making sure that any immigrant population that comes into America assimilates, becomes part of our culture. That has been our history; it has made us strong.

The fairest and most democratic process in terms of Supreme Court nominees is let the American people have a voice.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

You can't fix stupid.

Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.

The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant.

I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product!

I've gathered some of my close musical and comedian friends, and we're going to see if we can't bring a few laughs to these soldiers, raise some money, and hopefully lift their spirits. I consider it an honor and a privilege to give back however I can for the many sacrifices of these incredibly brave men and women.

My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.

There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I've asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don't understand it. But I don't understand a lot of things.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.

I'm not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. If you try to buy early, you'll pay late.

The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.

I was always a funny guy. I don't think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn't a funny guy when they were young.

I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.

I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.

It never dawned on me that I had the option of becoming a comedian. I come from a little dirt street town in northwest Texas, and they really don't talk about the arts there much on career day.

Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it's about. The content's got to be great, but then it's got to be delivered. It's a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.

When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows.

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.

Movies are boring. It's like watching paint dry. I did a little role in a movie, and it was eight lines. I was there for three days. It's just horrible. Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it's 18 hours of doing not a thing.

Comedy is all about the pause.

Somebody the other day had a review, called me 'America's reprobate.' And I don't even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.