I used to think that people just hate vegans; I have since discovered that everybody hates anyone who abstains from anything.

I know you're supposed to love yourself, but I really hate the way I look. When I look in the mirror I'm so disgusted by the chocolate blancmange abomination staring back at me, I actually apologise to my wife for my physical appearance. I've got no backside, an overhanging belly and I'm so disproportionate.

Getting a sleeve at my age is a midlife crisis for the man who can't afford a sports car.

I'm hugely negative, so if a joke doesn't land it takes me a long time to get over it. If something doesn't go well I go dark in my head. Basically I start thinking it should be illegal for me to be doing comedy.

As a young child, I loved the hugs and kisses, but I also remember getting to the age when they no longer felt OK. My parents would kiss me when they dropped me off at school, which was obviously embarrassing because having loving parents makes you a social pariah.

I will admit to being slightly embarrassed that I am getting tattoos relatively late in life. Tattoos are meant to be something you get in your 20s when you're actually worried about your appearance.

I'll play anything Mario- or Zelda-related, but Fortnite is one step beyond me. I don't get anything from it but motion sickness and an increased sense of anxiety about how violent future generations are going to be.

Teaching is so solid and reliable, comedy is not.

Supermarkets and specialist suppliers will have you believe there are great substitutes for cheese. There are not. No vegan cheese tastes anything like decent cheese, and melting cheese might as well be alchemy as far as the vegan cheese industry is concerned.

I tend to be melodramatic and super self-involved.

My comedy career aside, I am a father of three, a husband, a son, a brother and a vegan.

To avoid depression while travelling, I always take loads of items that make me feel connected with home. I can't even explain the joy I felt when I realised I'd remembered to pack my vanilla and mango scented beard oil. The feeling of euphoria was similar to my kids being born.

Usually, if I have a day to write, I will spend the first hour thinking about how I am going to structure my day. I will also spend time helping my kids to get ready for school. Then I spend an hour making and eating breakfast, because balanced nutrition has suddenly become very important.

One day, I brought home Eddie Murphy's 'Raw', and Dad and I would watch that together.

I realised I had an issue with my mobile phone use when a friend started explaining the virtues of the Fast 800 diet and, while still engaged in the conversation, I pulled out my phone and ordered the book before they had finished their sentence.

My obsession with hip-hop has given me an addiction to trainers, which are very much a young person's game, and I am known to rock a full tracksuit, under the pretence that it's more comfortable to travel in.

I want to say things on stage that I wouldn't have the guts to say in conversation.

The key to a happy marriage is myself being absent for long periods of time. My wife Leesa and I will celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary next year, but if my comedy gigs petered out and I was around the house more, we'd 100% be getting divorced.

I have a hip-hop podcast and get to meet all these rappers I love, so I feel very lucky.

All of the most interesting people had a horrible time as kids. All the best rappers struggled.

Years later, when I was working as a trolley wally in a supermarket, I tackled the boredom by talking to the customers in as many different accents as I could manage. I started with one that I didn't think would alert any suspicion - generic Asian - then moved on to Irish, Welsh, Australian and American.

Because let's be clear about this: birthdays are for children. It's the one day of the year where they get properly spoilt and are the centre of attention, and they get the presents they really, really want.

Announcing a diversity initiative, or making it a cause, exerts unwanted pressure.

I loved stand-up, but I never thought you could do it as a job.

People assume that your audience is full of people who love you. But, typically, it's one person in four who's chosen to come and has convinced some other people to go with them.

There's nothing less funny than somebody trying to be funny. I loved Jack Dee, then I met him and I became the least funny human to exist because of my desperation to say something amusing.

I used to do standup about footballers; they are easy targets because they are traditionally seen as stupid.

David Beckham is always seen as the thickest man on the planet, too daft to complete a jigsaw puzzle. But then you watch old footage of him playing and every time he plays a ball across the field, he's intuitively working out the trajectory of the ball.

The contrast of being in the spotlight when you're very young and then suddenly not can be really bad for your mental state.

Actually, the reason I'm a huge Arsenal fan is because when my dad moved over from Sri Lanka, he lived in north London and fell in love with Arsenal. Then he moved to East Grinstead and bought a pub, which he turned into an Arsenal pub.

I have Asian friends - second generation - and I am the worst in terms of being in touch with my heritage.

My mum's financial plan is: Romesh becomes a millionaire.

I've always loved American stand-up. Richard Pryor is one of the main reasons I got into stand-up. After Pryor, I made my way through the other great American comics, then finally got into the British ones over here.

When I first started watching stand-up, I fell in love with American comedy before British comedy.

What we're increasingly seeing is comics are becoming better known across the world. They're recording shows wherever they are, then putting them online for everyone. It has definitely changed in that way.

I mean, my stand-up is very honest and exposing in this way. I probably carry that into everything I do.

In the 10 years I've been with my wife we've probably argued twice.

It's such a privileged thing to say, but I'm still that same lazy person!

We are entering an age where people can claim to know more about what really happened than the people who were there. Where people will dismiss eyewitness accounts, on the basis of their gut feelings; where they will refute scientific discoveries because the scientist just doesn't look trustworthy.

Our house was repossessed and we lived in a B&B until we got a council house. It was a struggle, but Mum just got her head down, found cleaning jobs and never complained. I owe her a lot, so I now do everything she says.

Mum came to Crawley from Sri Lanka at 19 after marrying my dad. Later, Dad had financial problems and they split for a while.

When I started doing stand-up, I resigned from my job as a maths teacher and, three days before I was due to leave, my dad passed away.

I don't believe in make-or-break moments in your life. If you screw something up, it can knock you down, but that only means you'll be better when you get back to where you were before.

You can be good at comedy, which means you'll be given spots, but beyond that it is luck that pushes you to the next level. There are loads of brilliant comedians who haven't had the breaks, and plenty of average comedians who have.

My mum's very spiritual, and I think she just tells everyone that I'm spiritual, too.

I just write what I think is funny, or interesting, and hopefully everything else will take care of itself. There's no strategy to anything.

If you're racist and you come out and say it's because of Brexit, then great. Then I know definitely not to talk to you, rather than you give me a sideways glance in a shop. Now I know, I've seen your Facebook post.

I did a gig as a standup when I was eight years old. I went on holiday with my family to this holiday camp and they had a talent competition and I entered as a standup.

My family is all obsessed with comedy. I grew up watching a lot of comedy in the house. I used to watch Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy with my dad. But my mom is more into slapstick stuff.

I worry about my children, actually. I'm trying to give them a decent upbringing but I sometimes worry that that means they're going to be kind of mediocre adults. Like maybe I should throw them out for a bit and give them some adversity.