Every success story has a parent who says, 'over my dead body.' Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you're acting the fool, 'you know I worry about you sometimes.'

Your parents put a curse on you - Someday your kids are going to act just like you.

Calculus is one course you can come with to your parents and say, I am dropping it. And they'll understand.

Most fathers and... Mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.

Parenting needs to come to the forefront.

Today's parents grew up with the silly notion that music was meant to be heard.

All parents experience the same problems.

I wanted to give the house back to the parents.

I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.

If you're a parent, the five worst words you can say to your children are, "When I was your age ..." You were never their age. You were older in the womb.

We parents ask dumb questions, therefore we get dumb answers.

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

The problems with kids having short attention spans is driven by entertainment, reset buttons on games, games having to do with getting somewhere and heads blowing up. Everything is 'cut to the chase, cut to the chase.'

Kids need to remember that when you put something on Twitter, it's not like whispering to your friend, you've put it on a billboard that the whole world, including your own kids someday, can see.

I often try to tell kids to think about all the people who love you, don't cry over the one person who doesn't.

Your parents put a curse on you - Someday your kids are going to act just like you.

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.

I don't wear no condom and I don't plan for no kids.

We are the only animals that let our kids come back home.

Why do kids always say peace out, I though peace was in.

My feeling is, personally, I want to die first... because I believe that when you die, your soul goes immediately up for judgment - and I don't want my wife up there first. No, the judgment will be horrendous.

I tell stories. Because I believe you can do things that joke tellers can't do, and that is, bring your audience along.

I don't have a problem believing in God and Jesus. But in Genesis one has to wonder about these sentences that just go on and end without finishing. The thought is unfinished. Where did Adam go? What is he doing? Hello? There has to be some pages missing.

My grandpa didn't believe in hugging and kissing, or saying ""I love you."" His love had to do with the way he treated you. When he said, ""We're going here, we're going there,"" he was telling me about life. That was his love for me. My love for him was listening to what he said, keeping out of trouble, doing right, being fair.

My grandpa didn't believe in hugging and kissing, or saying I love you. His love had to do with the way he treated you. When he said, We're going here, we're going there, he was telling me about life. That was his love for me. My love for him was listening to what he said, keeping out of trouble, doing right, being fair.

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.

I managed my life to the point that at age 19 I was still in high school. I decided I was too old to be walking down those hallways.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

Nobody asked you to flip burgers for the rest of your life.

My feeling is, personally, I want to die first... because I believe that when you die, your soul goes immediately up for judgment - and I don't want my wife up there first. No, the judgment will be horrendous.

With my wife Camille's help, I took to social networking. I'm working with the computers.

My wife and I have five children; the reason we have five children is because we do not want six

If I use the word romance, whether it's my wife or not, it does not mean sex. We can use the word sex when sex is there.

My wife and I have five children. And the reason why we have five children is because we do notwantsix.

A father . . . knows exactly what those boys at the mall have in their depraved little minds because he once owned such a depraved little mind himself. In fact, if he thinks enough about the plans that he used to have for young girls, the father not only will support his wife in keeping their daughter home but he might even run over to the mall and have a few of those boys arrested.

I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.

I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, mid-life for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter-miler, whose son now says, "Dad, I just can't run the quarter with you anymore, unless I bring something to read."

It doesn't make any difference how much money a father earns, his name is always Dad-Can-I.... Like all other children, my five have one great talent: they are gifted beggars. Not one of them ever ran into the room, looked up at me, and said, "I'm really happy that you're my father, and as a tangible token of my appreciation, here's a dollar.

The beautiful thing about older people is their ability to cut the fat off of conversation. When they talk, they don't go on forever and ever. They say what they have to say, and that's it. That was my grand dad. Some of the things he said stunned me, but his words were logical. I'll never forget them.

It's always the organizations that are resource constrained that come up with the good ideas to win.

All the great organizations in the world, all have a sense of why that organization does what it does.

The leader's job is to lead and protect. Not have all the answers, not know everything to do, not to micromanage and tell people what to do or how to do it. A leader's job is to lead and protect. That's their job, and it's the people within the organization - their job is to get the work done.

Leadership is a choice. It's not a rank, it's a choice. I know many people who are at the top of their organization who have authority. We have to do what they say because they have authority over us. But they're not leaders. We wouldn't follow them. They may be at the top of the company but they're not leaders.

Every single organization - or career, for that matter - exists on three levels: WHAT you do, HOW you do it and WHY you do it.

Organizations should say and do the things they ACTUALLY believe.

Those who lead inspire us Whether they are individuals or organizations, we follow those who lead not because we have to but because we want to.

Truly human leadership protects an organization from the internal rivalries that can shatter a culture. When we have to protect ourselves from each other, the whole organization suffers. But when trust and cooperation thrive internally, we pull together and the organization grows stronger as a result.