I never saw anything funny in a car commercial - but that's OK. Whatever they wanted to do - it's their product and I'm the spokesperson, and I'm going to deliver.

Sigmund Freud once said, What do women want? The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.

A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.

I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job...and I don't want it!

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, "Let's get high and have fun." So they're high; now they're paranoid. "Am I falling out of this chair?"

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "And tired." I don't remember anything after that.

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"

Old is always fifteen years from now.

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.

I love cake. I love pie. I love potato chips. I love salt. I do not want yogurt, plain yogurt. It's healthy. 'Why don't you like it?' Because it tastes like bad breath.

I often try to tell kids to think about all the people who love you, don't cry over the one person who doesn't.

We're not raising children with the love that we need to.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.

You don't know what you're going to fall in love with until you're exposed to it.

If I read the small print, and I see that what I love to taste has pantonaponamene or fake smeinlioaimine, then I have to hide in my room when I eat it. I'm still gonna eat it, it's just gonna be 'Don't come in here!'

I think I am a good running back, but I'm really not that fast. There is only one thing I can do, that is throw a cross-body block. Picture perfect. I love it. Not that good at pass blocking.

When I look at 55 percent of our black men dropping out of school, how bad off are we going to be when we need some lawyers?

There are certain times of the day when you need a balance - that is, your protein and your carbs. I'm a Barry Sears man. I believe that anything green is a carb, and I need 2:1. Two of the carbs to one of the protein.

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.

All men should freely use those seven words which have the power to make any marriage run smoothly: You know dear, you may be right

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.

Because for me it is almost analgesic to talk about what the white man is doing against us. And it keeps a person frozen in their seat, it keeps you frozen in your hole you’re sitting in.

My dad came over to the house... went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of money, and began to pass it out to the children... This was the same man who, when I was his child, I would ask him for 50 cents, this man would tell me his life's story.

The wisest married men give in early. They get in touch with the wife side of themselves, and that's when they stop arguing.

In America ... the seven ages of man have become preschooler, Pepsi generation, baby boomer, mid-lifer, empty-nester, senior citizen, and organ donor.

In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.

If a white man falls off a chair drunk, it's just a drunk. If a Negro does, it's the whole damn Negro race.

One of the great mistakes that can be made by a man of my age is to get involved in athletic competition with children-unless, of course, they are under six. And even then, stay away from hide-and-seek.

There's no reason for him to come here and jump on black men who have been held down for years.

The most important educational vehicle in all life is a parent figure.

Parents are people who yell and they yell and they yell and they yell. And you already have the point... and they're still yelling.