I didn't like talking about my divorce. I think I viewed that as something that was embarrassing or a failure.

Starting the podcast was an experiment. I wouldn't say I was very private, but I was probably as private as the average person.

I'm a comedian. Comedians are supposed to be jaded, cynical, angry people. But I'm not: I'm a silly, silly fun boy.

I call myself 'Christ-leaning,' but that's primarily psychological.

I am a comedian. My brain is critical - it's overthinking - but you can find ways to turn it down and realize that's not who you really are.

Audiences sometimes emit these weird frequencies that make you think you've weirded them out.

People like Bill Burr and Jim Gaffigan and Zach Galifianakis and Sarah Silverman - they were all amazing and helpful to me.

The idea of saying 'the handsome Pete Holmes' is preposterous.

When I started, I was very deliberate about making friends with people like John Mulaney who were really funny and wanted to go up and do as many open mics as I did.

There's something about a podcast that feels like two people in a closet with the lights off.

Losing your faith is an essential part of having a three-dimensional, vivid, vibrant faith.

There are elements of comedy that can be competitive and back stab-y, but one of the underreported sides is that we love each other and help each other, kind of like a messed up extended family.

I'd walk through hell in a gasoline suit to play baseball.

It's a round ball and a round bat, and you got to hit it square.

Somebody's gotta win and somebody's gotta lose and I believe in letting the other guy lose.

If somebody is gracious enough to give me a second chance, I won't need a third.

See the ball; hit the ball.

The greatest competitor was Bob Gibson. He worked so fast out there and he always had the hood up. He always wanted to close his own deal. He never talked to you because he was battling so hard. I sure as hell don't miss batting against him, but I miss him in the game.

There's other ways to make your head and muscles bigger than just steroids.

Sliding headfirst is the safest way to get to the next base, I think, and the fastest. You don't lose your momentum, and there's one more important reason I slide headfirst, it gets my picture in the paper.

I'm just like everybody else. I have two arms, two legs and four-thousand hits.

Sparky Anderson taught me this a long time ago: 'There's three ways you can treat a person. You can pat 'em on the butt, you can kick 'em in the butt, or you can leave 'em alone.'

Obama's a great speaker. Because of his speaking ability and his appearance, a lot of guys got on board. Being the first African American, a lot guys got on board.

I met Gerald Ford. I met Richard Nixon. I met Jimmy Carter. I met Dwight Eisenhower when he was a general. George Bush senior. I haven't met Bill Clinton or George W. Bush, although I got a letter from him.

Never bet on baseball.

There is no doubt that because I am a switch hitter I have one of the best offensive advantages that a hitter can have.

Sometimes, when you don't have spark, someone in the dugout has to create something.

Willie Mays could throw better, and Hank Aaron could hit more home runs. But I've got enthusiasm. I've got desire. I've got hustle. Those are God-given talents, too.

Brooks Robinson belongs in a higher league.

Doctors tell me I have the body of a thirty year old. I know I have the brain of a fifteen year old. If you've got both, you can play baseball.

I never gave up as a player, and I won't give up as someone who wants to go to the Hall of Fame, because it's the ultimate goal for a baseball player or a football player or a basketball player.

I owe baseball. Baseball don't owe me a damn thing.

I get accused of talking about records. But it's the guys who interview me who ask about them.

Some players you pat their butts, some players you kick their butts, some players you leave alone.

In the old days, you know, they didn't have batting cages. And in most ball parks, they only had one runway to the dugout.

I bet on the game of baseball and I bet on my team, even the mistakes I made, I have to take a different look at someone betting against their own team... that's throwing the game.

Playing baseball for a living is like having a license to steal.

Who cares if you bunt for a base hit?

I've never looked forward to a birthday like I'm looking forward to my new daughter's birthday, because two days after that is when I can apply for reinstatement.

I was born on the day Lincoln was shot and the Titanic sank.

We were so poor when I was a kid that I had a sister who was stamped, 'Made In Japan.'

Since 1869, baseball has been doing pretty well.

I came to Vegas because I work 20 days a month here; I couldn't live anywhere else.

There is an old saying that money can't buy happiness. If it could, I would buy myself four hits every game.

No matter how many times you say you're sorry, somebody is not going to hear you.

The game of baseball is better when the Dodgers are playing well, just like when the Yankees are playing well, or the Cubs, the Phillies, the big-name teams.

When you ask people about guys they didn't like because they were aggressive, there's me, John McEnroe, Jimmy Connors; not too many names would come up.

I'm not going to go back to gambling; I mean, it's as simple as that.

I look at the records, and you don't win the Cy Young seven times or the MVP without being a good player.

You don't dominate any sport when you're over 40.