While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Take my wife... Please!

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

Manchester United are not just some club. To be part of this club also means to be part of a great history.

When I was six years old, my parents told me that we were moving back home to Armenia. I didn't really understand what was happening. My father had stopped playing football, and he was at home all the time.

I know I can succeed at Manchester United, and I want to show everyone that I deserve to be a key player in this team and this league.

Manchester United are not just any football club.

It's always important to read, to know something about this world, so I try to learn, to know, to see what I can learn for myself. Be it from books, TV or the Internet, I try to know what happened in the world.

I can be very serious, but if I'm being honest, I'm very happy with the way my life has turned out.

You have to win every battle. Every small metre counts, and you have to win your duels. Then you will see you will win the game.

There is not much sun, but I didn't move to Manchester to go to the beach.

When I came first to Dortmund, Jurgen Klopp said, 'Listen, Mkhitaryan, it's your family name - it's too long. So Henrikh, it's too long. Let's call you Micki. Are you okay?' I said, 'Okay, no problem.' And since that day, they started calling me Micki.

If you make a mistake, your opponent can punish, and you end up losing the game.

It is not only about being technically good, it is all about giving your heart for the club, giving your best.

I never promise something; I always say that I will try. Because if you promise something and you don't do it, you will always be under pressure.