I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.

I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” He said, “I don’t know.” I said, “I don’t want your job.”

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, “Hey, you have two different colored socks on.” I said, “Yeah, I know, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.”

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”

I went to a fancy french restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you write the word “monkey” a million times, do you start to think you’re Shakespeare?

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.