“I wish...I wish I were dead...” “And what use would that be to anyone?”

“Swish and flick.”

“Would it hurt to die?”

“I really feel that we're not giving children enough credit for distinguishing what's right and what's wrong. I, for one, devoured fairy tales as a little girl. I certainly didn't believe that kissing frogs would lead me to a prince, or that eating a mysterious apple would poison me, or that with the magical "Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo" I would get a beautiful dress and a pumpkin carriage. I also don't believe that looking in a mirror and saying "Candyman, Candyman, Candyman" will make some awful serial killer come after me. I believe that many children recognize Harry Potter for what it is, fantasy literature. I'm sure there will always be some that take it too far, but that's the case with everything. I believe it's much better to engage in dialog with children to explain the difference between fantasy and reality. Then they are better equipped to deal with people who might have taken it too far.”

“Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced. . . . It is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be cheerful again. The absence of hope. That very deadened feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad. Sad hurts but it's a healthy feeling. It is a necessary thing to feel. Depression is very different.”

“Great, tell me when you've defeated Voldemort for me, will you?”

“You think I'm a fool?" demanded Harry. "No, I think you're like James," said Lupin, "who would have regarded it as the height of dishonor to mistrust his friends.”

“You will find that I will only truly have left this school when none here are loyal to me.”

“So why in the name of Merlin’s saggy left —” “Don’t talk to your mother like that.”

“HELLO? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I-WANT-TO-TALK-TO-HARRY-POTTER!”

“Harry looked around; there was Ginny running toward him; she had a hard blazing look in her face as she threw her arms around him. And without thinking, without planning it, without worrying about the fact that fifty people were watching, Harry kissed her. After several long moments, or it might have been half an hour-or possibly several sunlit days- they broke apart.”

“It unscrews the other way.”

“Twilight fell: The sky turned to a light, dusky purple littered with tiny silver stars.”

“Well, we were always going to fail that one," said Ron gloomily as they ascended the marble staircase. He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in the crystal ball, only to look up and realize he had been describing the examiner's reflection.”

“Curiosity is not a sin.... But we should exercise caution with our curiosity... yes, indeed.”

“Nobody's ever asked me to a party before, as a friend. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I do mine too?”

“Autumn seemed to arrive suddenly that year. The morning of the first September was crisp and golden as an apple.”

7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.”

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Half the people you know are below average.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”