You are an over-excited little man, with a need for self-expression far beyond the scope of your natural gifts. This is not discreditable. Neither does it make you an artist.

Death is the ultimate negative.

It takes character to withstand the rigours of indolence.

I fell in love with literature and stayed lovesick all my life.

Confession is an act of violence against the unoffending.

I believe in mess, tears, pain, self-abasement, loss of self-respect, nakedness. Not caring doesn’t seem much different from not loving.

What is an artist? For every thousand people there's nine hundred doing the work, ninety doing well, nine doing good, and one lucky bastard who's the artist.

As Socrates so philosophically put it, since we don't know what death is, it is illogical to fear it.

Can't you function unless you're losing?

There must have been a time, in the beginning, when we could have said – no. But somehow we missed it. Oh well, we'll know better next time.

I must stop compromising my plays with this whiff of social application. They must be entirely untouched by any suspicion of usefulness.

Now for a handful of guilders I happen to have a private and uncut performance of the rape of the Sabine Women - or rather woman, or rather Alfred -Get your skirt on Alfred!

You stupid woman, if rationality were the criterion for things being allowed to exist, the world would be one gigantic field of soya beans!

To say that it is without pace, point, focus, interest, drama, wit or originality is to say simply that it does not happen to be my cup of tea.

Kissing girls is not like science, nor is it like sport. It is the third thing when you thought there were only two.

I like beautiful melodies telling me terrible things.

There ain't no devil, only God when he's drunk.

We are buried beneath the weight of information, which is being confused with knowledge; quantity is being confused with abundance and wealth with happiness. We are monkeys with money and guns.

Well I got a bad liver and broken heart, yeah,I drunk me a river since you tore me apart

Well, it's either kiss me or kill me, that's how I see it.

I don't have a drinking problem 'Cept when I can't get a drink.

The world is a hellish place, and bad writing is destroying the quality of our suffering.

It ain't no sin, to take off your skin and dance around in your bones

You can learn a lot about a woman by getting smashed with her.

Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends.

A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn't.

And the earth died screaming, while I lay dreaming...

Most of the people I admire, they usually smell funny and don't get out much. It's true. Most of them are either dead or not feeling well.

Oh, I'm not a percussionist, I just like to hit things.

The earth is not my home, I'm just passing by

I don't go to church on Sunday, don't get on my knees to pray, or memorize the books of the Bible, I got my own special way

I hate Disneyland. It primes our kids for Las Vegas.

The piano has been drinking, not me.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

All that you've loved is all you own

The big print giveth and the small print taketh away.

I've lost my equilibrium, my car keys, and my pride.

And the things you can’t remember tell the things you can’t forget that history puts a saint in every dream.

I've been riding on the crest of a slump lately.

I ain't got no spare/I ain't got no jack/I don't give a shit/I'm not going back

Oh I don't mind going to weddings, just as long as it's not my own...

It's very hard to stop doing things you're used to doing. You almost have to dismantle yourself and scatter it all around and then put a blindfold on and put it back together so that you avoid old habits.

You got to tell me the brave captain Why are the wicked so strong? How do the angels get to sleep When the devil leaves the porch light on?

Time is just memory Mixed in with Desire.

They say that I have no hits and that I'm difficult to work with. And they say that like it's a bad thing.

But it's so hard to dance that way when it's cold and there's no music.

We are all just monkeys with money and guns.

Never have your wallet with you onstage. It's bad luck. You shouldn't play the piano with money in your pocket. Play like you need the money. Tom Waits (to me, about 1986 or so)

Let me fall out of the window/ With confetti in my hair

The Universe is making music all the time.