"Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?"

"I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it."

"I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist."

"By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!"

"Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know"

"There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits."

"Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people."

"That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil."

"I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important."

"My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them."

"Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah."

"Tomorrow is your future's yesterday."

"If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof."

"The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God's mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain."

"My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it."

"I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again."

"I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that."

"I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars."

"Its like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends."

"A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it."

"I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh."

"I like to believe that there is an extra warm corner of hell for these fuckers who traffic in emotional misery."

"Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla-you ain't done till the gorilla's done."

"It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...."

"Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane."

"If you're lost you can look and you will find me. Time after time. If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting. Time after time"

"God has more important things to worry about than who I sleep with."

"In the darkest place, shed the brightest light."

"I used to say I was Saint Cyndi of a Feces, because wherever shit fell, there I was."

"Not for nothing, but if you do that again, I'm gonna have to punch ya fuckin' heart out!"

"I still am a little late, though. I'm trying. There's a lot of shit to do to pull this old ass together."

"We lived large in a way that people who really live large don't - there's a spice, a richness, a joy that working-class people have. And even though we were kind of products of misery, we still had a vibrance."

"With fame, I'm able to create more. With every success, you have more freedom to create."

"My career never went like anyone else’s, so I never followed anyone.” Cyndi Lauper People Magazine July 8, 2013"

"I always sang. I wanted to be in a band with my sister, and I was, at 11. At 12, I started writing seriously, and that was my pacifier all through high school - that and painting."

"I have a wig for when I go outside among the regular folks, so they don't feel uncomfortable because I have a Day-Glo color somewhere in my hair."

"I wouldn't record any song that I didn't like."

"When I sing I have a lot of visions. Like what's happening now in my life."

"I wanted to make the album I always needed to make. I had to say the things I never could."

"There have been great things that happened to me."

"I'm in the business where you get the business all the time."

"I've got a Grammy and Emmy, I'd like to have a Tony."

"Sharon Osbourne is such a blast and she's so, so bright."

"Fame doesn't redeem you. It takes a long time to get there, and when you're finally there, you realise you still have authority figures telling you what to do."

"Men and women are different. I don't think men grow a brain until 26 or even 30. Girls mature a lot quicker."

"Before I became famous I had a very full life, and that gave me a lot to pick from. I always use everything. It always comes in handy. Working with animals... Well, I just enjoyed that. That was the most peaceful time."

"My mother said I was a little odd as a kid. I was alone a lot, but I didn't feel alone."

"When I got hoarse, the manager would say, 'Drink this. Joplin used to drink this,' and I used to say, 'Joplin? Joplin's dead."

"Just like I am obsessed with the history of fashion, I love reading about the history of makeup."

"If you saw me without makeup, you wouldn't recognize me."