"I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die."

"I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater."

"I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't."

"I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians."

"It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear."

"Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else."

"She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women."

"Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing."

"The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious."

"Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels."

"I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling."

"You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble."

"I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you."

"People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid."

"If you don't vote, you're a moron."

"It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?"

"You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex."

"Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall."

"Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love."

"From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?"

"The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me."

"There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin."

"Oh Satan you're a wily one."

"That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots."

"I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves."

"For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up."

"Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck."

"It 's the time of year when Canadians mate."

"Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!"

"I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane."

"At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to."

"I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it"

"It's a book. It's mine. And it's done."

"This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical."

"With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying."

"Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often."

"The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight."

"This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it"

"I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love."

"If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy."

"I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway."

"You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people."

"The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted."

"Stand by your bed and salute me."

"I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice."

"Time is only linear for engineers and referees."

"Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics - they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, "Too close to call."

"After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock."

"114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104."

"I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me."