"This is the opposite of the free market."

"We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That's the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won't ask too much of you, if you don't ask too much of us."

"It's not that we don't care--it's just that that we'd prefer not to get involved."

"Fascism is when corporations become the government."

"And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world."

"If you send more than one news van to cover Dancing with the Stars, then you have to change your name from Eyewitness News to Guess What, You Guys?"

"Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers."

"I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed."

"America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent."

"The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people."

"New Rule: While you're telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, you must also fill me in on your vacation and show me pictures of your kids. That way, I can not give a shit all at once."

"Too many in America lead with their emotions when it comes to the flag, becoming illogically protective.Hell, the British treat their national symbol, the Royal Family, way worse, and they're people!"

"We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home."

"Fake it. We know you can do that. We’ve seen your sex tape."

"He sold Syria way better than he sold this."

"I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself."

"I guess what's so frustrating about the drug movement is that it's not much of a movement that's too many stoners involved."

"If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than "No," you tweeted your penis."

"The world is a fascinating, difficult place, and in order to take full advantage of what the planet has to offer, we need to see and hear natural things."

"Safety nets for the poor and disadvantaged are a must for any compassionate nation, but encouraging folks to go on the dole when not absolutely necessary is disgraceful."

"The Internet has become a hate-filled town square with no limits put on destructive verbal behavior."

"The chief al Qaeda recruiting tool is the net."

"Your mom was right when she told you never to discuss politics and religion because emotions run so high in those arenas. Especially religion."

"Alaskans are basically 'leave me alone' type people who respect and embrace different strokes."

"The government cannot overcome bad parenting. What our leaders can do is publicly condemn irresponsible parental behavior in vivid terms."

"Looking back, I clearly understand that seeing a 'chain of command' approach in my house was a positive thing for me. My father provided a strong point of view on life and was a leader. Boys, especially, need that."

"My father firmly embraced the Ralph Kramden philosophy: he was king of his Levittown castle. He worked hard, and his family deferred to his wishes. Except me. I did not defer and was disciplined accordingly."

"Communicated in the right way, Judeo-Christian philosophy and the religions that uphold it bind a citizenry together in pursuit of a just and generous society."

"The more laws that governments pass, the less individual freedom there is. Any student of history will tell you that. Totalitarian countries ban pretty much everything."

"Drive through a yellow light, and you may be ticketed thanks to a camera tied onto a pole. Everybody's watching everything. And then sending it out to the world via email."

"The measure of a decent human being is how he or she treats the defenseless."

"Folks know that while I respect Barack Obama and do not cheap-shot the president, I am very skeptical of his big government, nanny-state philosophy."

"Every book has mistakes in them, every one. There's never been a book published without mistakes."

"Look, I debate for a living so I don't need to learn any lessons from amateurs."

"Whenever I go on a show with a comedian I just counter punch."

"I know that Oswald killed Kennedy. Now, was he pushed? Encouraged to do it by outsiders? Possibly. Possibly. Was he sitting down with Fidel Castro? No."

"I'm pretty busy."

"I don't really shout that much."

"They advertise on the radio for food stamps!"

"Jobs that cannot be delivered must never be promised. It's unfair to raise people's hopes that way."

"If the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it's clean, he has nothing, I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush administration again."

"When I die, I don't want my demise to be used as a political rally, and that's what happened yesterday."

"You could put on monkeys jumping up and down and get bigger numbers than MSNBC."

"Lotsa people want to hurt me. That's the price you pay for being a big mouth."

"Dan Rather is guilty of not being skeptical enough about a story that was politically loaded."

"That's my advice to all homosexuals, whether they're in the Boy Scouts, or in the Army or in high school: Shut up, don't tell anybody what you do, your life will be a lot easier."

"I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big."

"As the tree is bent, so it will grow."

"There comes a time when a human being has to either face evil or admit to allowing it. Abortion is legal in the United States, but it should not be celebrated or used as a political tool. Viable babies are human beings."