“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?” 

“A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.” 

“When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"” 

“The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.” 

“Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.” 

“For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.” 

“They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.” 

“It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” 

“In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.” 

“I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.” 

“I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.” 

“Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.” 

“War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.” 

“Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.” 

“For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.” 

“I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?” 

“The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.” 

“My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.” 

“One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?” 

“Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.” 

“She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.” 

“At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.” 

“Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.” 

“My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.” 

“Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.” 

“Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.” 

“The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.” 

“She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.” 

“My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.” 

“On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.” 

“At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.” 

“It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.” 

“I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.” 

“Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.” 

“Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.” 

“This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!” 

“There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.” 

“They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.” 

“Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.” 

“Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?” 

“If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.” 

“Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!” 

“My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.” 

“We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.” 

“I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.” 

“I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.” 

“I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.” 

“I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.” 

“I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.” 

“I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."”