My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

My parents have been married forty-two years. I wonder how many of those were happy.

The Buddhist version of poverty is a situation where you have nothing to contribute.

I feel this evening that I am too hopelessly and happily corrupted by the richness of London life to ever be right for Dorset, or vice-versa.

We read poems from the Oxford Book of Twentieth Century Verse. Neil insisted on spilling wine over my carpet.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.